Spam and its Consequences

2 Feb

By Rhea H. Boyden

‘Did you get some weird mail from Rhea this morning
too?’ my Scottish musician friend’s mum asked him upon receiving a weird link
from me. ‘Yes, I did’ he responded, ‘and don’t open it, it is spam. Rhea has
some strange magnetic field around her and she attracts spammers and con
artists. Everything electrical that she touches goes crazy,’ he explained to
his mother.

‘May I just use your computer to change my password
quickly on my email?’ I pleaded with my supervisor at work. ‘I keep getting
mails from all kinds of people telling me they have received spam from me and I
should change it urgently.’ I looked at him with begging eyes. ‘Absolutely not,
get out of here’, he said with an evil and mocking laugh. ‘Remember what
happened the last time you tried to use my fax machine? The thing gave up after
you so much as laid a finger on it,’ he scowled.

‘Thanks for the new offer of diet pills and porn, Rhea’
my old barman friend teased me. ‘Rhea, you have been spamjacked!’ wrote
another.  The best that happens of course,
is when the ex boyfriends chime in. ‘Thanks for the offer of Viagra, Rhea, but
you of all people should know that I have no use for it,’ wrote one. What can I
do but groan and laugh simultaneously at this. Worse still, is that I also know
that the guy who just rejected me also got the spam mail. ‘Oh dear’ I cringe. I
must write him a short mail explaining that it is spam and not to open it.

‘Look at it this way’, a friendly colleague of mine said
‘Lots of people are thinking of you today. Isn’t that nice? she consoled. ‘Yes,
I suppose it is, friends, enemies, ex lovers, magazine editors and yes, just
about everybody. How delightful!’ And it does truly seem that a lot of people were
thinking of me today. One guy who I went on three dates with a few months ago
even responded. ‘So, sorry I have not been in touch Rhea, I have been really busy
with work, but we should meet up again soon,’ he wrote. I had thought that
there was a reason we hadn’t met up again after date three, however, and my
thought was that there was simply a lack of interest and chemistry and now he
is writing this? Is he just being polite?

So, yet again my close friends are teasing me and
having a laugh at how crazy I am with gadgets, computers, printers and so
forth. I do seem to have some inborn lack of understanding for how they work
and I simply seem to terrify certain gadgets to death. ‘Remember when your
printer committed printicide?’ reminded another friend. ‘Or’ he continued to
tease, ‘when you touched that old radio and it turned to static and refused to
be retuned.’ Oh, how I remember all these things. And yes, I readily admit that
I have a fear of all things technical and mathematical. I do try to learn and
deal with these things, but sometimes it is just out of my control. I have
other talents that I am proud of. Statistics have shown that people who are
good at writing and languages tend to be hopeless at dealing with calculations,
logical thinking, reading clocks (which I didn’t learn until I was 10)
operating technical gadgets and other harrowing tasks such as long division. I
must have cried enough tears to fill a bucket while trying to learn long
division and my multiplication tables. It has also been shown that writers tend
to live in a bit of a fantasy world, which I will admit now, is very definitely
the case. I go deep into fantasy world while writing and also while thinking
about the fantasy dream man who I cannot have who also regrettably received my
spam mail. ‘Think of it this way,’ a girlfriend comforted. ‘At least he was
thinking about you for a few minutes when he received the mail. Isn’t that a
nice thought?’ she smiled. ‘Yes, I suppose it is’ I said returning the smile.

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