And on and on with Online Dating

17 Mar

   Rhea H. Boyden
‘It  sounds like you are scared of commitment and are afraid of opening up and letting yourself be loved’ a couple female students of mine said to me last week when I told them I had said to a guy  I had met online that I did not have any time to meet him this week for a third date. ‘Well, it really is the truth that I have very little time at the moment’ I told them. ‘But you should give him a chance, they said, ‘why not go for it?’
They may be right that I am a bit afraid and I may be a bit of a commitment phobe even though I moan a lot about being single, but here is one thing I have learned: Never go on a date with someone because someone else thinks it is a good idea. This is the same with matchmaking. If someone else thinks you are a good match with someone it could be true, but it could be grossly inaccurate too. I have also made this mistake in the past- gone out with someone on a few dates because someone else thought it was a good idea and not me. Oh dear….
But the whole thing is confusing anyway and there is a paradox at the heart of dating in your mid to (yikes) late thirties. On the one hand, you don’t want to blow someone off right after the first date,  because  it is a good idea to take things a little slower as you get older and see where it leads which is what I am trying to do. This is the second guy I have gone on a third date with within a few months even though I had convinced myself after date two that it was not really what I wanted. On the other hand, however, they say you know after 2 minutes of being with someone if you are attracted to them and want to invest more time in getting to know them better. So, I will admit that I am confused by this paradox. Grappling with this leaves me feeling more than a little baffled.
Certain other girlfriends of mine who are in their late thirties talk of the same confusion. ‘The guy I am seeing has a lot imperfections but I am just dealing with it’ a friend told me recently, ‘because I like him and I want to give it a chance.’ To be honest, this terrifies me though. I have gotten too deeply involved in the wrong relationship in the past and then regretted it and ended up breaking up with the guy, so I really don’t want to make that mistake again. I really do want to feel some serious chemistry or mental connection on the first date otherwise it is a waste of my time going on a second or a third date. Or am I wrong? The worst part is that you then get accused of leading someone on if you take it to date three if you think you are not really interested. My intention is to be honest and not hurt myself or others, but date three with the guy today was a waste of my time. It only confirmed what I felt after date two- that I
don’t feel any chemistry. I can only hope that he doesn’t care about me much either and we can just let it go.
 
 

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